Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers
that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest, and started catching them. The man bought hundreds at $10 and as
supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts.

At this point the man announced that he would now buy at $20 each. This
renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys
again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back
to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so limited
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on
his behalf for him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers,  ‘Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them
to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
to him for $50 each.’
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

(Ingezonden door Henk van den Hoofdakker)

Sam heeft een partij handel en verkoopt deze met winst aan Moos.
Moos verkoopt de week daarop de handel met winst aan Sam.
De week daarop verkoopt Sam de partij met winst aan Moos.
Dit gaat nog enkele weken door.
Tot op een dag Sam aan Moos vertelt dat hij de hele handel aan Bram heeft verkocht, waarop Moos reageert “Maar Sam, waar moeten we nu van leven?”

Zeer oude mop, essentie van de kredietcrisis.

(ingezonden door Regon Edver)

Lutz Lindenau (36) gebruikt om de recessie te lijf te gaan een beproefd middel: galgenhumor.

Hij schreef naar mijnrecessie@nrc.nl: „Als afgestudeerde politicoloog ben ik het zat om bij sollicitaties gestandaardiseerde afwijzingsbrieven te krijgen. Om de machtsverhoudingen eens om te draaien, heb ik in mijn brief aan een paar bedrijven de rollen omgekeerd, zoals te zien in het voorbeeld.”

Dit schreef Lutz naar een bedrijf dat hem een standaardafwijzing stuurde:

From: lutz lindenau
To: humanresources@xxxxxx
Subject: U vraag om klantenservicemedewerkers
Date: Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:13:49 +0000

Geachte dames en heren,

Bij deze bevestig ik dat ik uw verzoek voor de bovenvermelde functie heb ontvangen. Helaas moet ik u meedelen dat mijn CV niet helemaal bij uw vacature aansluit en ik de procedure met een aantal andere geselecteerde vacatures ga voortzetten en daardoor niet in uw bedrijf werkzaam zal worden.

Ik dank voor uw interesse en wens u verder veel succes met het vinden van een geschikte kandidaat.

met vriendelijke groet
Lutz Lindenau”

Lees op het weblog Mijn Recessie meer recessieverhalen van lezers.

Wat is het toppunt van optimisme?

Een bankdirekteur die op zondagavond 5 overhemden strijkt.

(Ingezonden door Paul Bergenhenegouwen)

Norma is the proprietor of a bar in Edinburgh. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Norma’s bar.

Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Norma increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Norma’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Norma’s bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Norma cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

The suppliers of Norma’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand …, gosh was that simple !!!

(Door onze correspondent Freek Staps)

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

And so it went until one little boy said: “My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject.

Later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he’s really a Business Development Director at Lehman Brothers, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.”

(Van dailyfun online)

(Van liveajoke.com)

Onze correspondent Freek Staps maakte foto’s in New York om te laten zien hoe de mensen daar de crisis relativeren. Gezien in koffiezaak Cups te Jackson, Mississippi:

With the credit crisis we finally know the real difference between
communism and capitalism:

in communism we nationalise the banks and then push them to bankruptcy
in capitalism we push the bank to bankruptcy and then nationalise them

(Door Rene & Iva uit Bulgarije)

————————-

Bij de crisis in de jaren twintig sprongen op Wall Street getroffen
beleggers massaal uit de ramen; waarom hoor je daar deze dagen niets over?
de ramen kunnen niet open vanwege de airco…………

(Anoniem)